#ShareDontCompare Challenge: What You See Versus The Real Me

by Annabelle Parr

Scrolling through social media, it’s easy to get the impression that everyone has it all together except for you. Our minds are saturated with images of everyone we know looking perpetually happy: picturesque vacations, adorable smiling kids and parents looking at ease, major accomplishments, lovey dovey relationships, weddings, birthdays, sunsets and puppies. The best, shiniest moments of everyone’s life are at our fingertips, with the all the messy, painful, and dull moments conveniently filtered out.

It’s easy to compare our realities to the perfectly manicured and carefully curated lives we see on Instagram and Facebook. And when we compare our lives to those we see on social media, we might think we are the only ones feeling anxious, lonely, depressed, stressed, or burnt out. We think we must be the only ones who lose our patience from time to time, the only ones who have days that aren’t quite so picture perfect.

Yet part of being human is to experience pain. Furthermore, we can’t truly experience joy to the fullest if we are not also willing to experience the flip side – grief, fear, sadness, anger. When we try to avoid the painful stuff, we also numb ourselves from feeling the full extent of the happy, triumphant stuff, and our lives get smaller and smaller as they become centered around avoiding the emotions we don’t want to have.

But social media – and even just going about our lives day to day, with “how are you?”s followed by the knee-jerk “I’m good”s – can give us the impression that the human experience is one sided, isolating us when we need connection the most. Our pain can become compounded by our harsh assessment that we are alone in our experience. Our minds may make up stories about how we should be, how we are not good enough, and how if we are just hard enough on ourselves, maybe we could get it together.

What if instead of believing that we are the problem for experiencing life as messy and complex, we were willing to share those moments with each other? What if, rather than covering up our struggles, we shared them in service of connection? It is wonderful to have a platform to share our joy because those moments deserve to be celebrated. And what might it be like if we could also connect in compassion when we are struggling? What if our social media feeds both reminded us of the joy in life and also reminded us that we are not alone in the pain?

In the service of countering the social comparison phenomenon and facilitating a sense of common humanity – that we all experience the full range of emotion – we are starting the #ShareDontCompare Challenge on social media. Our goal is to inspire each other to share a more whole and well-rounded picture of life as we experience it – shiny stuff and messy stuff all intertwined. To participate, take a video of yourself with the following script, filling it in with your own experience:

“Hi I’m [NAME] and I’m doing the Share Don’t Compare Challenge to shed light on the real experience of being a human being beyond all that shiny stuff you see on social media. So, what you see is [fill in the blank with something people see on social media]. The real me [fill in the blank with something vulnerable that you would like to share but don’t typically]. So that's me. I’d like nominate [NAME AND TAG TWO PEOPLE] to do the Share Don’t Compare Challenge. Spread the word, nominate 2 friends, share on social media, and add the hashtags #sharedontcompare and #therealme.”

Sharing our difficult moments helps us all to know that to struggle does not make us inadequate – it is actually a key part of what makes us beautiful.  

CSAM IS HERE TO HELP

If you or someone you love needs support and might benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) for anxiety, panic, phobias, stress, PTSD, OCD, or insomnia, or if you would like more information about our therapy services, please contact us at (858) 354-4077 or at info@csamsandiego.com

#CureStigma

by Annabelle Parr

This year for Mental Health Awareness Month, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is focusing on curing mental health stigma. The campaign manifesto on the NAMI website reads:

There’s a virus spreading across America. It harms the 1 in 5 Americans affected by mental health conditions. It shames them into silence. It prevents them from seeking help. And in some cases, it takes lives. What virus are we talking about? It’s stigma. Stigma against people with mental health conditions. But there’s good news. Stigma is 100% curable. Compassion, empathy and understanding are the antidote (NAMI, 2018).

Stigma is a nasty virus, but this manifesto fails to capture the fact that stigma doesn’t just hurt the 1 in 5 who are struggling with diagnosable mental health conditions. It hurts every single one of us.

Mental health exists on a continuum. When we create a false dichotomy that suggests that some people are mentally ill while everyone else is healthy and well, we fail to recognize the range of experience that falls somewhere in the middle. And we fail to recognize that where you stand on the continuum can fluctuate and change throughout life.

The continuum enters the realm of DSM diagnosis when a person displays a clinically significant level of functional impairment. In other words, to qualify for a diagnosis, the person must be unable to function in an important area of life as a result of the presenting symptoms. But there are plenty of people who are functioning seemingly well in relationships, work, school, etc., who appear just fine from the outside, yet inside they are hurting and need some help. These folks aren’t feeling “well,” but they don’t necessarily meet the criteria for a mental health diagnosis.

The thing is, while 1 in 5 Americans are affected by a mental health condition, 5 in 5 Americans know what it is to feel pain. The frequency, intensity, and duration can vary, but pain itself is a function of being human. When culture stigmatizes the 1 in 5 and simultaneously dichotomizes illness and wellness, the resulting message is that it is shameful to struggle and to feel pain. In essence, stigma says that it is shameful to admit our own humanity.

With stigma, we all become isolated in our suffering. But with compassion (which means to suffer with), we can find connection in the midst of and even as a result of pain through our experience of common humanity. We all know loss, grief, heartbreak, anger, anxiety, sadness, regret, inadequacy, and disappointment. We all have our own version of the “I’m not good enough” story. What if, instead of burying these feelings deep in our shame vaults, instead we shared them? Stigma wouldn’t be able to survive.

Just because pain is a part of being human, that doesn’t mean a professional can’t help us navigate the more difficult aspects of existence. Despite what stigma says, seeking therapy in the midst of struggle is a sign of strength and wisdom. Therapy can benefit anyone, no matter where the person falls on the continuum of mental health. In fact, even therapists benefit from therapy. A few of the CSAM clinicians decided to share a little bit of their own experiences as clients in therapy.

Dr. Jill Stoddard, CSAM Director, said:

I like to think of my mental health a lot like I think of my physical health--they both need ongoing attention and care to stay at their best.  When I get a small cough or cold, I might just manage it on my own with my neti pot and some Vics Vapo-Rub. But if I have strep throat or a broken bone, I'm going to seek out professional help and continue to follow up with my physician until I'm well.  Even when things are stable and there are no overt signs of trouble, I still see my dentist, optometrist, and dermatologist for regular check-ups.  So goes my mental health.  Life can get really painful.  If I'm dealing with smaller hassles, I might go to yoga or seek support from my friends or family.  But when my mom died, I went to therapy to help process my grief.  When my husband and I were feeling the distance that often comes with raising a young family while also working, we sought out couples’ therapy.  Now, our marriage is stronger than ever, AND we still see our therapist for sporadic "check ups."

Dr. Michelle Lopez, CSAM Assistant Director, wrote:

I think about mental health care as a lot like car care. If my car is having problems, it may need to be in the shop for a while. Other times, it might just need a quick tune up. It might also take me some time to find the right mechanic, and I might have to try a few out before I find the right one. But it’s important to pay attention to signs that the car needs service, because neglecting it is likely to lead to more problems. I’ve participated in therapy at various points in my life, and have sought help to work through life experiences and challenges such as coping with the physical and emotional pain of a physical injury, processing the loss of my dad, living with infertility, and creating a healthy work-life balance. Currently, my car is functioning quite well, but I make sure to take notice when that “check engine” light comes on. 

Dr. Janina Scarlet, CSAM psychologist and founder of Superhero Therapy, shared:

When my dear friend lost her battle with cancer, I was devastated. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on my school work, and I found myself too overwhelmed to function. I decided to see a grief counselor. I had never been in counseling before and didn't know what to expect. My therapist was warm, compassionate, and understanding. She helped me process my grief and find meaning in this loss. I am extremely grateful for this experience as it allowed me to find myself again. 

Hopefully, in acknowledging the full range of human experience and removing the false dichotomy that currently separates us into We-Who-Are-Healthy and They-Who-Have-Pathology, we will begin to fill the space that is currently occupied by stigma with acceptance and compassion, both for ourselves and others.

CSAM IS HERE TO HELP

If you or someone you love might benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) for anxiety, depression, stress, PTSD, insomnia, or chronic illness, or if you would like more information about our therapy services, please contact us at (858) 354-4077 or at info@csamsandiego.com

References:

NAMI, 2018. Mental health month. Retrieved from: https://www.nami.org/mentalhealthmonth